--By Dr Jaseena Backer
When we start talking about Women Empowerment it’s normally empowering college girls or empowering women at work place or empowering homemakers. But isn’t it late to begin the empowerment? We would not even have to talk about Empowerment if we started the process at the right time… It all begins with Parenting without gender bias.
It all starts with the pinks and blues right from birth. We are merely sowing the seeds for a gender biased society where we would require women on the dais and in media talking about Women Empowerment. Girls play with dolls, houses and dress up. Boys play with guns, cars and machines. That’s how we buy toys for our children and how we gift other’s children too. It’s been that way for years and now with electronic games things haven’t changed much, the preferences still exist. For many parents this rings true but what happens when your boy wants to play with dolls or your daughter is more interested in playing with guns? How does it make you feel? Do you get defensive about this gender blasphemy? For some parents this may make them feel prickly.
Society has assigned certain stereotypes and roles to each gender that is often arbitrary and superficial. As parents we must question these stereotypes and roles and ask if they are necessary for our children and if YES, is it in the best interest of our children. But before questioning, we need to stop feeling uncomfortable. Many of these stereotypes can be harmful and limiting to our children.
Gender inequities and gender biases, both obvious and subtle, are causing girls and boys to be raised in segregate societies, with separate expectations, and widely diverging treatment based on gender. By doing so we are not preparing them for an unbiased or egalitarian future where they can fulfill their own potentials.
Children learn gender stereotypes through socialization from parents, their toys, television, children's literature, and especially schools and teachers. Parents have a large role in exposing children to these stereotypes. The first learning is always from home. If the children have to grow up with the understanding that there is no gender domination, then the father and mother at home should be equal partners in all aspects. Fathers especially should respect the mothers so that sons at home learn to respect the other gender. Mothers have to be strong in personality for the daughters to understand that women are strong.
Don’t spell out gender specific mannerisms to your children. For example, you shouldn't scold your daughter for being assertive -- and you shouldn't scold your son for being shy and passive. When your son cries don’t tell him “Stop crying like a girl”. Think about it, all that you need to do is make the boy stop crying so why do you add the gender tag along. Crying is an emotional outburst and emotions aren’t gender specific. Don't project gender expectations on your children, either. If you push your son to pursue cricket while his passion is art, he won't only miss the opportunity to find true happiness, but he'll also have the misguided notion that men aren't "supposed" to make art.
Parental attitudes towards their children have a strong impact on the child's developing sense of self and self-esteem, with parental warmth and support being key factors for the child. Expose your children to women in business. Take them to a lady dentist, lady cab drivers, talk about the lady managers in the office, talk to them about women achievers and leaders. Show them a world of equality in terms of professional success.
Avoid assigning stereotypical chores and household duties, as well. If your daughter is doing the dishes today and son is washing the car, make it reversed the next day. In our society boys are taught that being a “man” means shunning anything seen as feminine and this includes child care and housework. If the boy grows up with gender stereotype he will end up being a chauvinist. Next time you want machinery fixed at home ask your daughter first.
Girls are usually taught that their appearance is what matters the most – that they must be pretty, stylish, and even “sexy”. There are plenty examples to illustrate this. The Barbies are all about beauty and hourglass figure. The even creepier Bratz babies, or the “sexy” makeovers of much watched cartoon characters like Dora markets the idea of only beauty to little girls. Right from childhood we hear “What a pretty girl? What a smart boy”. The praises are also gender specific. If we want to empower our girls we need to change the adjectives in the compliments. Tell your girls that they are smart, intelligent, creative, strong…
Messages about what is appropriate based on gender are so strong that even when children are exposed to different attitudes and experiences, they will revert to stereotyped choices because of familiarity. Families with one or more androgynous parent; meaning a mom who repairs the family car or a dad who makes the soup for the party at home have been found to be highest on scores of parental affection and support. These androgynous parents are found to be highly encouraging regarding accomplishments and developing a sense of self worth in sons and daughters. This role modelling is an ideal way to Empower our little girls.
Buy and expose your child to gender neutral toys or toys of all kinds as much as possible. For boys, let them play with baby dolls. For girls, let them play with cars. If you find yourself uncomfortable with your child playing with a particular toy, ask yourself why that is and try not to let your own inhibitions prevent your child from their natural curiosity and exploration. The discomfort is because we are apprehensive if the child is nurturing any doubt about her/his gender. Read books, watch TV shows, and movies that portray positive and uplifting portrayals of gender. When you watch such shows, appreciate the gender balance in it without spelling it out. Let the girls watch TV about smart and intelligent women.
Be verbal and communicate with your child about stereotypes. You can’t shelter your child from negative stereotypes nor should you want to. We want them to explore and learn. Being exposed to these types of negative stereotypes serve as great teachable moments. Grab such opportunities to bond with your child. If you see a boy or girl being portrayed in a stereotypical or negative way, talk about it. On the flip side, of you see a constructive portrayal be sure to appreciate it. These don’t need to be long discussions that lead to a dramatic sitting down with pieces of advice. Be very precise and concise. They could be just simple statements like “Wow, she sure is brave” or “He sure is a very nice friend”.
Be an example and role model to your children. Walk the talk. There is no substitute for modeling the type of person you want your child to be. Educate your daughter how to be a strong and confident woman by being one yourself! Teach your son to be kind and compassionate by demonstrating those qualities. Be careful about what you say about other gender before the children, they listen to everything that you say.
Girls feel insecure because of the vulnerability of their body also. When you tell your daughter about safeguarding her body it’s more essential to tell your son that he will not touch the body of another human being without their permission. Educating your son is more crucial to avoid sexual harassment on your girls.
Encourage friends and family members to buy gifts for your child that are appropriate for their age and likes rather than their gender. And you also should reciprocate similar. When you wish to gift something do not sweat to find out the gender of that child. Make sure that the adults that are in regular contact with your child are aware of your desire to avoid gender bias. Encourage your child to play with children of both genders. Some kind of gender bias is keenly developed in the school among children while play, do not encourage that. This will normalize for children that men and women can be contented and triumphant in a wide variety of occupations and lifestyles.
Raising a child without gender bias is not as difficult as society makes it to be. It’s just that we are used to the stereotypes and now we just have to get un-used to it and work on it, rather come out of our gender comfort zones. Even if you have a strong desire to make sure your child is able to grow up without falling into societal gender expectations, you'll have to take steps to help them learn to stand up to the gender bias outside the home.
This is a great wake-up call to parents to help break gender cycles and even out the differences in how the sexes behave and think about themselves. It is a huge ask, but an achievable one. If both the parents make a conscious effort at home to bring up the children in a gender equal home the society will shortly turn out to be an egalitarian one. And we would no more have to talk about Women Empowerment as all our women will be empowered…
Happy Women’s Day
(Dr Backer is an Industrial Psychologist & Women Empowerment Enthusiast.)
