The most important lesson I learned that day was that it takes a lot of courage to consistently follow through on limits.
--BY LISA MICCIO
Our understanding of how imitative young children are helps us capture their participation. We recognise that the young child’s nature is to wholeheartedly em¬brace and become part of his surroundings, and we count on children’s innate impulse to participate in the activity and order around them. During our lantern walk as we gathered in a circle at the close of our walk, I quietly set my lantern on the ground. In unison, my 16 children all set their lanterns down on the ground at the same time. It was a profound example of how unquestionably imitative children are by nature. One parent commented that as a domino effect. “You set down your lantern without saying a word, and like magic all the other lanterns were placed upon the ground.”
In many cases behaviour difficulties in young children are the result of educational or parenting approaches that overly engage children in their thinking. Too many questions or premature intellectualism “lure the child away from his natural stage of development into an adult manner of reasoning, judging and criticizing.” However, learning that results through imitation and through hands on activity occurs automatically in children, and it allows them to develop capacities without interfering with their natural state of being. “The things that a child will resist and refuse to do when he is ordered to, he will take up himself and follow with his whole being out of his imitative impulses” (E. Grunelius). Therefore, early childhood teachers see this period of development as an opportunity to instill good habits that will define an individual for a lifetime. Behaviours such as good manners, kind deeds and personal interactions, like holding the door for someone or saying I am sorry, or caring for the environment by hanging up coats and putting away shoes, or helping with chores like setting the table or folding the laundry, are all taught through imitation.
Kim John Payne, the author of the book Simplicity Parenting, and a well known speaker on the topic of discipline, distinguishes between a misbehaving child and an unorganised child. He attributes what is perceived as misbehaviour in a child to the interruption in the child’s predictable rhythm, which leads to stress and an unorganised child. When we realise that the factors contributing to “misbehaviours”, like delayed meals or bedtimes, visiting relatives or parties, or other changes in their daily routine are often due to a disruption in a familiar rhythm, we can begin to fully appreciate the role rhythm plays in our over¬all approach to discipline. It is also a reminder of the responsibility that adults carry on behalf of the children, and a picture of how even minor disruptions to their daily rhythm can adversely affect them.
However, modern conveniences often interfere with our attempts to maintain healthy rhythms for ourselves and our children. To complicate parenting even more, we live at a time when having multiple choices is valued and expected. Thus, today’s parents face more options than at any other time in human history. From conception to birth, to diapering and feeding, the multitude of decisions and choices parents make before their child starts at pre-school are limitless. Each decision becomes a stepping stone along a path that leads a family, and the child, in a particular direction.
But how do parents make these choices? And how do they decide what is the best course to take? Perhaps, what is even more difficult, is the commitment to follow the chosen course instead of switching from one particular approach to another. Plagued by the opposing desire to do what they know to be the right thing, and the fear of causing their children discomfort, parents are often paralysed in moments when their children need them to take action. Frequently this happens when in a public situation. However, this is both confusing and disorientating for the child, and inaction on the part of the parent inadvertently shifts control to the child.
As a new parent with a three-year-old and a baby, I found myself in this very situation when I picked up my son early from school to go to an appointment. Angry that he had to leave school before dismissal, he began quietly and subtly kicking at my feet as we walked down the hallway. His teacher was walking with us to the door, and since we were in conversation, I ignored his behaviour. In truth, out of shame, and my own rising anger, I felt paralysed. But the teacher’s courage and matter of fact manner when she said “Don’t allow him to kick you” woke me up to what was happening in that moment.
Of course at the time I was completely horrified and embarrassed. But as I thought more and more about what she said, I realised that I needed to take responsibility for the situation on many levels. First, I needed to accept that my decision to change his rhythm was confusing to him. He became disorganised and con¬fused by the unexpected change. Inwardly I knew this, but instead of consciously owning that my decision was affecting his behaviour, I experienced unconscious guilt over him being unhappy. That guilty feeling was at odds with my responsibility to hold firm to the boundary regarding kicking. Allowing him to continue to do it without any consequent response from me, only frustrated him more. And thirdly, I let my confusion over my own emotional turmoil, including guilt over picking him up early, anger over him kicking me, and shame over his teacher seeing his display of tem¬per, prevent me from taking an action that would educate him and support him as he moved through this unfamiliar terrain.
The most important lesson I learned that day was that it takes a lot of courage to consistently follow through on limits, and that “consistently following through on limits may be one of the hardest parenting skills to recognize, learn and master” (Helene McGlauflin). In addition to courage, adults may need to strengthen their own will, and accept that it is our responsibility to maintain the discipline landscape that encourages our children to become responsible, balanced adults who are equipped to handle adversity and occasional unhappiness.
The author is the Mentor at Kathmandu Waldorf Kindergarten and has an MS Ed. from Waldorf Education, Sunbridge College, New York.
